They say that mother’s intuition is always right and I now believe that happens even before you give birth.
It’s something you do not wish upon your worst enemy, it’s something that you think will never happen to you, Its miscarriage.
I was 12 weeks, I thought I was safe, so I announced it to the world that I am pregnant. It was the news that I was so excited to share, after all I had to keep the secret for 12 weeks not really that easy when I had wanted to share the news instantly as soon as I found out, after all it had taken over a year to get to this point.
No sooner that I announced that I was pregnant, I blinked and it was all over.
The more I think about it, the more I feel that I knew it was going to happen. I had told my husband a few weeks before that I really didn’t feel pregnant anymore, but he told me not to stress, I always panicked when I was pregnant with Alexia and she came out perfect, but I guess this was a different feeling.
It’s something I don’t think I will ever forget, I still have dreams about it till today. That Tuesday night I went to bed with cramps, but as soon as I put the hot water bottle on I was fine, I told myself that it was just growing pains, and I prayed that everything would be alright. The next morning, I had woken up to the tiniest bit of red blood, and I mean the tiniest where you really needed a microscope to look at it, but it was enough to send me to the emergency department. As soon as I got into a room it happened all I remember was standing up and standing in a pile of blood and clots, a vision that constantly haunts me.
It’s a mother’s job to love, care and protect her baby and I couldn’t even do that. I had felt like I killed my baby, something that is so hard to process. It’s taken me some time to realise that I couldn’t have prevented this as much as I still kick myself now.
I have learnt a lot through this tough process, but the main two things that I have learnt is: –
TALK – I am normally one of those people that typically bottles everything up, I don’t like to be a burden on other people by unloading all my problems on them, but talking throughout this process has helped me so much. As long as you have a loving and supportive network of family and friends which I am so blessed to have, they are there for you they are happy to listen to you and believe me the talks have done so much. Through telling my story I have also learnt that so many people I know have gone through the same experience, one that helps me understand that this is life and as hard as it is, its real.
NEVER GIVE UP – As raw as this still is especially while writing this now and as much as I will never forget this beautiful little baby I can’t hold in my arms everything happens for a reason, I can’t give up hope for another baby. I am so truly blessed in my life right now, I have a beautiful little girl who I can hold in my arms every day, there are so many women out there who are not even able to have 1 child and here I am with one.
Just writing this has helped me and I hope if you are going through or have gone through something similar this has been able to help you.
We are all mothers and we all stand together, we will always be here for each other to talk to, especially in this amazing social media community we have created.